Alexander Young Cocktail

Alexander Young

Alexander Young turns out not to be a distant relative of Brandy Alexander at all, yet still shows up at the party. This thing has bourbon, OJ, pineapple juice, grenadine, bitters, and lemon juice in it. Not even close! Oh, we are stupid, so stupid—why are we noticing this list of ingredients now? We scramble to find out who Alexander Young is to see if he too comes from a good bloodline—since he’s obviously not a relation. According to Wikipedia, these are our choices for Alexander Young’s real life identity: a 17th century Scottish bishop, a Scottish engineer who became a citizen of the Kingdom of Hawaii, a Scottish guitarist, an English tenor, a Victoria Cross recipient, and a Canadian politician.

Nobody from Kentucky, nobody who drinks bourbon, nothing. Still, we must do our duty.

1.5 oz. bourbon (Buffalo Trace)
.5 oz. orange juice
.5 oz. pineapple juice
1 tsp. lemon juice
A few dashes of Angostura bitters
A few drops grenadine

Combine with ice; shake well. Strain over crushed ice.

Brian: This tastes like a really old drink.
Eric: Old. Like it’s been sitting around?
Brian: I’ve seen recipes that my grandparents had—and older friends of my parent’s had—and it’s like this. You put booze in with a bunch of different fruit juices. It always ends with a lot of pineapple. I don’t like it, really.
Eric: When is orange juice successful in a drink?
Brian: Tequila Sunrise.
Eric: I feel like—
Brian: Screwdriver.
Eric: Is that successful? Shouldn’t this here be limier or lemonier? The citrus is murky. I don’t like it.
Brian: I don’t understand why you’re putting a pineapple it. There’s pineapple juice in there too.
Eric: Maybe it’s trying to be like a proto-tiki thing. But there’s no spice in it, there’s no sweet in it. This is like gin and juice, but with bourbon! You know, I might even rate it lower than a 3. It’s not offensive, it’s just banal. This is a banal drink. There’s nothing good about it.
Brian: Maybe it should be a 2.
Eric: It looks delicious, though! Even though I’m laughing at it, it looks amazing. It’s upsetting, actually. The whole thing is upsetting.

Scores: Brian 3, Eric 2.5

Eric D. Anderson


Eric D. Anderson came to appreciate cocktails late in life and is trying to make up for lost time. He finds that crafting drinks involves the same precision, creativity, sociability, and ritual as baking—another passion—and believes that it brings people together in the same way. Eric is the director of Way of the Puck, a feature-length documentary about professional air hockey, and the editor of Stories of Quitting (, an online collection of true stories that celebrate giving up. His writing has appeared in AGNI, Painted Bride Quarterly, Perigee, Giant Robot, and Wild Quarterly, among other publications. In his free time he works as a camera operator on commercials and motion pictures.

Always drink responsibly!